Grief is not a Disease.

I find grief is on my mind quite a bit these days. A good friend and mentor gave me Understanding Your Grief by Alan D. Wolfelt and I have been gingerly dipping into its pages. I feel afraid to read too much at a time – not sure what I think will happen but a picture of being “out of control” with sadness does spring to mind. Wolfelt says that our grief is like travelling through a wilderness that is unfamiliar and often brutal. Along the journey we need to find trail markers that tell us we are going in the right direction, towards healing, even if we feel lost.
There is a disorder about grief that I resist because I thrive in an orderly and predictable environment. So when I wake up feeling flat and sad, or find tears springing to my eyes at awkward times, I search for meaning. I try to make sense of it. Why am I sad today – and not yesterday? Why am I crying now – what brought this up? But I see that there is a mystery about grief that defies logic. And so I surrender to that reality. I accept that not everything can be explained.
I have been surprised at my sadness. I have said many times that I lost my mom to Alzheimer’s long before her death. I feel relief that her suffering is past, and that she is in heaven and restored. So why do I feel so sad? I think pain has to do with how much I loved her more than the circumstances of her passing. Love is what brings meaning to my life, so I dare not forget it.
I think our society is “mourning-avoidant”. Grief is uncomfortable for everyone so we try to fix it. We try to stay busy so we don’t give in to memories that make us feel too much. Our self-talk is all about “getting over it” and “moving on” and “being strong”. We deny how this loss changes us. But Wolfelt says that “to be human means coming to know loss as part of your life.” And Philip Kapleau says, “Living fully means feeling fully; it means being completely one with what you are experiencing and not holding it at arm’s length.” Wow. This means that when I embrace that my grief is real and it’s here now, I journey towards an emotionally healthy place.
Some days I feel a little disconnected from myself and my world. Sometimes I am physically tired. Some days I feel weak and unsettled for no obvious reason. But I choose to believe that grief is an intensely personal experience, so I embrace my own unique thoughts, feelings and responses. I choose to be kind and patient with myself. I choose to resist voices that say I should just “get a grip”. I accept that disorder and confusion come in grief’s wake. And this is all "normal."
Losing is a part of life - but so is gaining! God balances the joyful and sorrowful experiences of life so we can carry on. On May 17th my third grandchild was born to Dan and Nicholine. Her name is Arabella Eloise and she is extraordinary already!